Misadventures in Milan

Milan, THE fashion capital, a historic powerhouse and our next destination. Arriving via train, we eagerly award Milan station with its own prestigious title, “Most impressive train station ever!” A decadent marble hall made for giants, crowded with puny humans instead. With the roof looming over several stories high and with the grand, regal and commanding designs inlaid into stone, it’s the kind of place where you might expect Zeus to reside. There’s big city tension in the air, people have places to be, luggage rolls aggressively every which way as crisp announcements bounce off the walls. 

Though it’s a sight to behold, we’re a little on edge, sensing the telltale signs of a pick pocket’s paradise. Watching our backs, we quickly head off on the 30 minute hike to our lodging only to run into problem number one: Our lodging isn’t where the Agoda map says it should be. After contacting the host… we’re given a new address which infuriatingly doesn’t make sense either. Determined, we trawl through the listing and eventually find an image of the door we’re looking for, leading us to the correct location. Here we encounter the second problem: The door is locked. 

In the dark deserted street by the door, we wait for a clue from the host… Finally a message chimes through, “I already gave you the code” it says, providing about as much help as pixie dust given the door in front of us doesn’t even have a corresponding code mechanism. By chance, a resident walks out the door giving us an opportunity to slip into the first chamber to face problem number three: which apartment… is ours?

After walking around in circles for 5 minutes, with no response from our host we turn to the listing again to try and find another clue. It’s like a reverse escape room game, instead of trying to get out, through a series of ridiculous puzzles, we’re trying to get in. Upon finding the right corridor we can finally utilise the two codes we have to unlock a lock box then another door.  

You’d think at this point it would be over right? However as we angrily stomp into the room our hearts sink. When we booked this lovely accommodation we’d been promised a balcony, and yet… somehow this place, doesn’t, even, have, windows… let alone a balcony!! Instead, it has all the trim of a cheap renovation. Jazzy wallpapers, rattan chairs, a framed picture of a lama blowing bubble gum… as if that could ever make up for it being a dull lifeless box of lies. And now we were trapped! We ask again for the first door code so that we may at least go out for dinner and come back but to no avail!

That is the last straw! We want a refund. To this request the host responds, “you will stay here! I know you’re there”. Oh my god, I panic. What is this nightmare! “Lost funds be damned”, I say now worried about our safety. And as we leave, we run into another two guests in a similar predicament with the same host. They’d received instructions to get in the first door but not their actual rooms… With an exasperated laugh, we wish them luck and leave that mess behind. 

In the morning, from the comfort of our new accommodations, we’re especially grateful to be awoken by the previously under-appreciated luxury of light streaming through multiple windows. After all the stress of yesterday, we decide to enjoy a lazy day, doing mostly nothing until the arrival of our friends, Ana, Cata & Narvi who instantly lift our spirits as we explore the glamorous Milan city centre together. Everything is big, bold & bright, as if to compete for your attention. Not least of all the ginormous cathedral and galleria which dominates the regard of thousands of onlookers. 

To break from the crowds, we find an inconspicuous little pizza place tucked away in an alley. Scanning our surrounds, Cata notes with a wink, “You know it’s a good place when you see an Italian grandma eating here alone.” And she’s right! Our first authentic Italian pizza is a hit. It’s also a beautiful celebration of the last time we’ll see our friends for a while, as they’re heading back to Switzerland, while Jesse & I will continue on. 

Now back down to just the two of us, the next morning we opt for a stroll through the Sforzesco castle grounds. Unfortunately, I am unable to give this castle the love it deserves due to the swarms of opportunistically aggressive scammers that we encounter here. Keen to escape the constant barrage of insistence we accept a “free gift”, we beeline out into the wider garden area to be with the squirrels. 

Squirrels aside, we also enjoy the Milan Gate (Porta Sempione) another larger than life architectural monument built to impress. As well as the day version of all the sights we’d only seen in darkness before.